


enough.

by seonhoneyy



Category: kim seonho - Fandom, seonhohada
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Wholesome, kim seonho au, nations good boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 23:48:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29019237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seonhoneyy/pseuds/seonhoneyy
Summary: How would a 47-year old Kim Seonho look back on his 20-year long career?With a smile.  ◡̈
Kudos: 19





	enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Here’s a one-shot for you all featuring “Day & Night” by Jung Seunghwan—yes, the sad song from Start-Up :•)
> 
> Kim Seonho never ceases to amaze me with his passion, kindness, and humility and so, I decided to write this to pay homage to both his successes and struggles. 
> 
> I do highly suggest you listen to the song or its instrumental while reading this to get into the “zone,” you know LMAO
> 
> Anyway, this is short and some of you may find it kind of boring, so I apologize in advance. :”)

He stopped for a moment as he felt a wave of deja vu wash over him so suddenly...

> _It was a calm ringing._   
>  _A light had fallen down on my world_   
>  _That used to be dark._

He remembered sitting on the edge of his bed like this— _about twenty years back_ —staring at an envelope containing just enough cash to sustain him for, at most, another month or so.

> _I wonder if you knew..._

He remembered he tried to console himself by reliving those fulfilling moments of stage lights hitting his face as he, in those three long hours, lived as not himself but a character he did his best to bring to life...

> _Sometimes, like a gentle breeze,_   
>  _I suddenly think of you._

Acting was his heart’s true desire. The stage was his home. The applause was recognition enough for him. Back when he had nothing, he still had acting.

> _Like an old memory that makes me smile..._   
>  _You came to me._

But again, he also remembered thinking that maybe it was more of a moment of self-convincing rather than just reliving.

> _Day and night,_   
>  _We came a long way_   
>  _And finally met._

His burning passion for the art of performing was young, bright, and strong, but he had this tendency to worry that it just might end up unintentionally burning the people close to him.

> _I want to hold you tight_   
>  _So when you have long days,_

He wanted to make his parents proud, he didn’t want them to worry about his income. He wanted to treat them to good food and maybe even buy them a nicer and bigger house someday. He wanted to repay all the goodness they’ve showered him with as he was their only son.

> _The person who helps you find rest,_   
>  _I hope it’s me._

But at that time... he was just a theatre actor that made minimum wage per performance.

Don’t get him wrong. He was happy and content with what he was doing, but taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, he couldn’t help but ask himself: was it really _ever_ enough?

” _I lived without a dream, but acting is your dream, so I won’t stop it._ ”

His mother’s words would echo in his head every now and then as both forms of reassurance and a pressuring notion.

He knew his family wasn’t well-off but they still paid for his tuition and remained fully supportive of his journey in the industry where only a few would reap stellar success.

And so, he worked hard for the years to come.

Rehearsal after rehearsal, play after play, script after script, late night after late night... thin envelope after thin envelope.

> _Sometimes, I felt depressed..._   
>  _I couldn’t tell anyone._

For some, the word ‘enough’ was something often used in vain, in exhaustion, anger, bitterness, and hatred... but not for him.

He used that word as a stepping stone. He used that word as a pat on the back. He didn’t let that word associate itself with negativity in his mind—or at least, he tried.

He was taught to see the good within the bad, to be content with what he had, and not to be too hard on himself when things start to get rough.

Things being enough for him meant that there was always that possibility of the idea of “more,” but in the more likely case he didn’t get to attain that, it was _okay_ too. He did his best anyway and there were the people who still loved him.

Now, _that_ was enough for him. _It had to be._

He never asked for fame or fortune. He never asked for immense recognition. He just wanted to act, and it was as simple as that.

But that resilient mindset could only last so long, he's realized that a little too much along the way...

> _Rain fell in my heart,  
>  I wonder if you knew._

His dimpled smiles soon became a defensive front to hide the insecurities and feelings of worthlessness that just often found their way to boil up inside of him.

At one point in time, he even felt like he couldn’t go on any longer.

> _After dreaming that I lost you,  
>  I let out a deep sigh  
> As my heart ached..._

The struggles he’s had to persevere through all by himself got the best of him every now and then but he never really shared it with anyone. He didn’t want to inconvenience those around him, having that unspoken fear that they wouldn’t care about a lowly, struggling actor.

He was afraid that it wouldn’t only hurt him, but his loved ones as well...

> _Day and night,  
>  You were only so far away...  
> But it hurt to look at you._

He just wanted to be the happy person his parents always wanted him to be... but that didn’t mean he never coveted the long shot of every actor’s dream.

> _For countless nights  
>  And even more days,_

But again, he didn’t start all of _this_ for _that_.

> _I loved you._   
>  _I hope you know,_

He began acting for that rush of adrenaline and childish excitement, to hone his talents and skills, and because he just simply loved it.

Performing was his calling.

> _I hope you’ll say..._

He was of pure heart and good intention—a pure heart that was rare to find in this kind of industry.

> _That it’s darkest  
>  Right before the sun rises._

A pure heart that was miraculously granted a breakthrough; a reward for remaining true to himself and his vision, never having it tainted by greed or pride.

> _Day and night,_   
>  _We came a long way_   
>  _And finally met._

From his first audition for a mere background character in a TV drama to the latest and _desperate_ offers given to him to star as the lead, he never would’ve thought he would come this far if you were to tell him about it twenty years back—that twenty-seven year old man sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at that thin envelope, falling victim to a spiral of self-depreciation.

Because here he was, in the present, staring at the trophies and keepsakes he’s garnered over the past years.

Those moments of weakness, feeling like he wasn’t enough or good enough, feeling like the world was crashing down around him... they were all in the past now. He’s had his fair share of heartbreak and inadequacy.

> _I want to hold you tight  
>  So when you have long days,_

He lived in the moment to set his eyes on the clear present instead of the vague future.

Now, here he was and there they were...

Awards, picture frames, and small and seemingly useless momentos that held so much more meaning that they appear to withhold.

However, even with this amount of unprecedented triumph, he still strongly upheld his values of humility and generosity, keeping in mind that a heart of gold was just as precious and priceless to the achievements he’s won with his blood, sweat, and tears. Knowing that with every accolade he attains, his mother and father would want him to be thankful in lieu of being boastful.

He admitted he’s lost people, opportunities, and precious time along the way but he was still the same hopeful performer he was when he first stepped foot on that school stage. He kept that side of him alive, not wanting to ever forget his roots—not wanting to forget _any_ of it.

> _The person who helps you find rest,_

And _this_ was enough for him. May fate find him well again but if not... well, it was still okay.

He was already so genuinely happy.

> _I hope it’s me._

People appreciated him and supported him, even outside the seas of his country. He was finally able to buy his parents the good meals he’s always wanted to get them and he was finally able to properly repay the love and support he’s received from everyone. He was finally acknowledging and taking pride in how far he’s come and ironically, it deeply humbled him as well.

He owes his success to his family, friends, and of course, his fans; the people who saw past his clumsy and goofy self to admire the lovely and hardworking human being he was underneath—even if it were just through their phone and television screens that they get to see him.

Being praised for doing something you loved is a different kind of feeling altogether, that words couldn’t even begin to explain it.

_You did well~ We’ll always be here for you!_

Little did he know back then know that comments from strangers over the internet could help him calm down and put things back into perspective for him...

And little did he know back then that those strangers would eventually feel like family to him in the long run.

Overwhelmed, he heaved a small sigh as a glimmering bead of gratitude escaped his eye, letting a soft smile appear on his lips.

His heart ached, feeling sorry for himself for having to go through that much pain in the past but he knew he didn’t really regret experiencing them.

Instead, he was just so thankful for everything that’s happened to him thus far. He was thankful he was still here, that he mustered up all the strength he had left back then to stay in the race.

He may not be in first place but at least he was still running.

Both the good and the bad, he felt lucky to have come across them in this lifetime as they helped him shape the person he was today.

Looking back at his journey strengthened his spirit. He gave himself a pat on the back for enduring all the hardships he’s dealt with and for once, wholly took pride in his craft. 

He leaned forward with his elbows resting on his knees, clasping his hands together as he then felt the gold band around his finger.

His smile widened as he was reminded once again of another blessing he was eternally grateful for...

”Daddy!” He heard a young boy’s voice call out to him as hurried footsteps neared.

The man stood up from his seat on the bed and awaited for that little boy to come running into his arms.

”Hi, Ruki.” He grinned from ear to ear as the young Kim jumped into his father’s arms, “Is dinner ready?”

”Yup. Mommy told me to call you.” The little boy smiled with the dimples he inherited from his father.

”Where’s your brother? Have you called him too?”

”Jipyeong- _hyung_? He’s already downstairs with mommy, setting up the table.”

The man set his son back on the ground and set him off, "Alright, you go on ahead. I'll follow."

As the young boy left, the man stood and leaned against the frame of the door of his bedroom with his hands in his pants' pockets. He heard the noise coming from downstairs; his wife telling their kids to calm down, the clinking and clattering of plates, a baby crying, the television running in the background... it was chaos, but he loved it. It gave him the warm feeling of home.

 _"Kim Seonho! Come down here this instant!"_ His wife impatiently yelled out for him, pleading for back-up.

To that, he laughed and replied, "Be there in a sec, honey!"

As he made his way downstairs, he had this abrupt thought that made him stop in his tracks as he finished with his brief trip down memory lane... everything he’s been through has led up to this moment.

This moment of warm and pure bliss and gratitude with a family of his very own.

His heart was full, his garden has bloomed.

And so, with a smile, he thought to himself one last time, telling himself something he’s never thought of saying before...

_This is certainly more than enough._

_◡̈_


End file.
